"What do you want me to say?"

What I want to hear, you could never tell me.

Because what I want to hear is somebody loved me.

That somebody still loves me, older, heavier, weathered and still a little broken.

What I want to hear as I fall asleep,next to someone that watches the rise and fall of my chest is "thank for being here, thank you for staying on the days you contemplated leaving us. Thank for staying long enough to let God direct your path to me".

I want to hear that there are days someone feels lost without me.

What I want to hear is that someone misses me.

I want to hear someone say "I see you. I see who you are" and acknowledge me like they do.

I want to hear that someone loves me enough to love me openly, honestly and unashamed of me.

I want to hear that someone will stay to build amd grow a relationship with me. 

What I want to hear is that someone is willing to pour into me as I pour into others.

I wanted to hear that I mattered.

On the chin

I worry about myself soemtimes. I feel like ive gotten way to confortable with goodbyes. 

I think about the death of my father. I didn't mourn long. I also didn't mourn him specifically, but rather what having your father in your life was supposed to be. Something he never was. 

Holidays come and go and i do not think of him. His birthday and the day he die pass and i dont even recall that its passed until weeks later. Honestly I can't even tell you what day he died, just that it was in September, I think. 

I wonder if I'm supposed to feel some huge loss, if I am supposed to feel a loss i can never quite reciver from. I don't. Even when he left I felt nothing. Understandable, given our relationship was a violent one.

Even so I like many others watch shows and documentaries about worse situations and these people openly mourn their fathers. Yet here I am feeling nothing.

It makes me think maybe something is wrong or broken in me. The man died horribly. In a hospital alone, an abcess in his abdomen ruptured and started to poison him. Subsequently he died of a heart attack, alone. Funny how those details i remember. 

Funnier still there are 400 dollars sitting in a bank account in Puerto Rico that only I can claim. 

And I am in no rush.

I don't know maybe its me, maybe i just dont have any empathy to spare for people that clearly never gave a fuck about me.