pour

I was told today I deserve it. The career I have. 

I was told I deserve to be loved. I was told I deserve all the playlist in the world.

I was told this by someone that loves me. Someone that sat there with me at work while I quietly processed my father's death. 

Someone who sat with me in silence and did not leave me alone in it.

For the first time I am putting myself first. I have spent so much of my life giving and giving. 

Pouring from a cup that is a close to empty as you can get.

This week has revealed a lot about me to myself.

Years of hyper-responsivness seen as my work ethic. Doing everything to convince myself its not a trauma response thinking i have to give more and more of myself because that is my role.

I am the giver.

My time, my energy, my love, my support.

Given so that others can succeed, find happiness, chase their dreams. 

Everyone leaves and I stay.

I pour from my cup.

Whenever I have asked to have my cup filled...

Why?

What for?

Do you not have enough?

My immediate reaction is that I've committed an offense.

So I shrink into myself.

Double down on the people pleasing.

Continue to pour.

Even in the face of my cup cracking from the pressure I face internally and externally.

I pour.

Then having nothing left to give, facing mental ,physical and emotional exhaustion.

I stopped pouring.

I stopped pouring.

I feel guilt.

Sadness.

Mostly just tired.

44 years of pouring into others.

I think I deserve to be poured into now.