Through it all, one thing remained consistent. I feel bad for returning the energy I've been given. I feel bad for acting like people dont matter to me. Constantly wondering if they struggle with the same feelings.
But watching the way its so easy for everyone who has discarded me to move along and forget, I know they dont struggle. I'm insignificant.
I understand part of it is projection. A deep childhood wound that has never quite healed. A yearning to be seen, and matter to someone that is mine, to be a priority in someones life.
Unrealistic, I know. Blame it on the media consumption of my childhood. Where romance and love were sold to me as an adventure for two.
This year though...
It started with silence. Silence from someone who could not be clear on what their intentions were. Someone with whom I have, had, a very tumultuous relationship with. A string of emails had dwindled down to two word answers followed by months of silence. Broken only by a a rambling email that hinted at some email that was written but never sent. I dont think its a wild assumption that was a lie.
All along I kept asking is this just a moment of release for them. A one and done. I got no clear answer and then things just died away. I struggled with the idea of responding. A past sitting between us wherein my concern and care were deemed controlling and needy. I was never sure where the line was. Every time I thought about reaching out I would wince inside.
Eventually I adjusted to the silence again. Things now sit in limbo, or nowhere I'm never quite sure and I dont think a return to communication is planned.
Interspersed with accusations of sabotage from one co-worker, too lazy to read emails and focused on being heard instead of listening, and another that took my drunken fawning over them to my friends as open mockery.
I was being told I had dark energy, a was never seen while being asked for assistance and chastised for not saying hello.
I was hurt. Mostly because I thought bonds formed had meaning. Once again I was wrong. I once again assigned more value to a relationship than the other party.
One of them remained as they have from the beginning, hot and cold. I should have known. Only acknowledging me when something was needed or when a specific party wasnt around.
It felt all too familiar.
Add to that the complexities of being a lesbian and having a straight woman say you made her uncomfortable in any way.
Been there, done that.
It feels like a lot of this past year was just reliving old cycles on a smaller scale. I don't like thinking I made anyone feel uncomfortable so I stay away. I also dont like receiving that messaging only to have them turn around and say things like "I miss this" while sitting there saying "we'll talk" and doing nothing to clear the air or repair the rift. As if I'm tasked with the responsibility or repair.
Been there.
Done that.
Funny it always seems to come from people who took time to make assumptions about me but never made time to get to know me.
The swift turn to immediately paint me as some malevolent character out to lead people to their own demise. Thats what really got me. I had suspicions on where the sabotage accusations had fermented. Having two seperate conversations warning people against speaking to me, alluding to the idea that I dont have their best interest at heart? That confirmed it.
From two people that have kept information from the team to purposely make others looks stupid.
Yet im the sabatour. I have dark negative energy but the staff is wary of you both.
Its like a siren song to my darkside.
Same play. New actors.
Same actors. New roles.
I want to let go.
I am so tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere.
Laying in bed some nights I'm overcome by how much of my life has been colored by one heartbreak or another.
Drifting back to the personal.
I still imagine you will read this and maybe this entry, this collection of words will be the one that finally flips the switch. But you would have to care.
We both know you don't. Well either you dont care you're a coward.
Then it strikes me that the same applies for both. This is why it feels like a repeated cycle.
Maybe my withdrawl from interactions, my speaking only when spoken to and keeping it brief and distant will signify to the universe I'm ready for a change.
My moments of saying what I need to say and not following up to see if I've offended or if what Im saying has been received are over.
I'm not chasing care anymore.
You don't? I don't.
You give me nothing? I give you nothing.
There is no point in wasting energy trying to keep someone around that treats you like an after thought and has no intention of staying.
Go.
I dont need the constant shifting energy.
2026 I am focusing on
Clarity, consistency and consideration.
If you cannot provide any one of these then move along.
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