words

As much as i love words and weaving them to express myself and my feelings they are simply not enough for me.

For me I have, far too often, been given and gifted words followed by contrary actions.  This triggers a deep wound in me. Taking me back to a place and time where the people who hurt me the most were the ones saying "I love you". A place where I was at my most vulnerable. 

So contradictions and, even worse, a refusal to clarify strikes a deep chord of fear within me. It makes me physically uncomfortable. Similar to constantly expecting the worst. A feeling that takes an immense toll on me and one that I have worked hard to stay far from.

Everyone wants to be thought of, considered, feel safe and have clarity on where they stand. 

I dont want to guess. I want to know. I shouldnt have to guess how you feel about me after I let you access my life.

Maybe I'm alone in this, but i truly do want to feel safe and at peace with someone. It just feels as if everything I want is on the other side of a broken bridge that spans across a rough and raging river. 

And I cannot swim.