Full Circle (2)

November

Teresa

Teresa had settled into her life in King's Falls. She was still crashing at Janelle's place and while it was a bit tight she didn't mind because she got to spend time with Dominic. Teresa felt like she was standing on solid ground for the first time in a long time. She had seen Merci around town but they hadn't crossed paths since that night at the coffee shop, of course when Teresa had seen Merci she made sure to stay out of sight. In fact, they'd only occupied the same space for PTA meetings, and even then they kept the width of the room between them. 

Teresa would never admit it but she was still stinging from Merci attempting to give her closure. Her departure from Teresa's life had left a scar that Teresa kept hidden, the fact that Merci could see it unnerved her. Teresa was always painfully aware that she was to blame for the destruction of what they had, and that was a weight she would carry with her forever. Some days the weight of it all was obvious, but most days she carried it quietly, locked it away deep inside her heart and her mind as she tried to move forward every day. 

Teresa got through most of her days by simply focusing on work and Dominic. Aside from her run-ins with Merci, Teresa had settled into her new life comfortably. Janelle had to keep reassuring her that she wasn't wearing out her welcome, but other than that Teresa had found the change of pace in King's Falls to be inspirational. She somehow managed to carve out time almost every day to get some of her own writing done, something she almost never had time for in the city, between chasing down stories and keeping up with Cori's very active social schedule, she barely had time for herself. Now she followed her interest, wrote freely, and explored the town in her brand new used Ford Taurus, Teresa had joked once about adding a sidecar to her motorcycle for Dominic and Janelle reminded her that the bike would be cute and edgy until she was freezing her ass off during the winter. So she stored her motorcycle and got some grownup transportation to haul her and Dominic around. Adjusting to suburban life wasn't as hard as Teresa thought it would be. To date, the biggest annoyance was the PTA and its never-ending schedule of activities, supposedly for kids to have the "full childhood" experience. To Teresa, it felt like some of the moms were auditioning for the latest iteration of a Housewives show. The latest "event", a dance, was set up for the middle school kids. Conveniently everyone landed chaperoning duty except of course the mom who was most insistent on actually having the event, Veronica Adorno. She also happened to be the hottest mom so her powers of persuasion knew no end with the mostly male school board.  

Teresa found comfort in the routine of her life, and the company of Janelle and Dominic. She even enjoyed teaching at the Junior High School, the kids were bright and creative even if their hormones made it an uphill battle to keep them focused. She felt like everything was starting to come together. So naturally that's when the universe decided to throw her a curveball.

Janelle needed an afternoon to herself so Teresa grabbed Dominic and they headed off to the park for a stroll and some playground time. They strolled through the park and Teresa snapped photos of Dominic and he asked a million questions which amused Teresa to no end as she tried to answer every one of them. They strolled along the path that led from the parking area to the playground, lost in their own conversation and world. Teresa didn't notice the little girl in front of her.

"Whoa! Kiddo watch out" Teresa uttered as the little girl cut in front of her and Dominic almost faceplanting as she tripped over Teresa's foot.

"Bella! Slow it down! I'm not going to tell you again" Merci shouted from the benches just outside the gates of the playground. 

Teresa's heart jumped, even years later just hearing her voice could do that, Teresa sighed and quickly glanced in the direction of the voice it was, of course, Merci. Teresa offered an awkward half-smile towards her. Instead of cutting across the playground to take up her normal seat on a bench there, the same bench currently occupied by Merci, Teresa opted instead to sit on a bench facing the playground entrance. She could keep an eye on Dominic and avoid the drama that arose every time they so much as stood near each other. 

Teresa didn't have her novel totally mapped out in her head, so jotting down ideas as they came, character descriptions and ticks, bits of dialogue and general notes helped her shape out what she would write next. But as she wrote Teresa's mind kept circling around Merci. Teresa hated that Merci still made her feel like an awkward teenager, she hadn't seen her in years until moving to King's Fall. But even after all this time Teresa could feel her heart stop whenever they locked eyes.  

Merci

Merci felt her body tense and panic quickly surged through her as she made eye contact with Teresa. It all drained away the second Teresa turned and headed back out the entrance gate of the playground, only to be replaced by a stinging sensation. Merci took a deep breath and centered herself, sitting back down on the bench and busying herself with her cell phone.

She scrolled through the text she and her husband had been firing back and forth at each other. They were arguing about almost everything these days, sometimes Merci questioned her motives for continuing the fighting. She knew that she sometimes snapped out of spite, a spitefulness that had its roots in her resentment. 

Merci loved her life, loved her family, but she, like most women her age, often wondered if maybe she missed out on something. She had barely started a life of her own before she was married and had a child. Yes, they were the things she had always wanted, but like most people, Merci was subject to wondering about the "what could have been's" of her life. To her husband, her second-guessing was coming out of nowhere, and initially, Merci agreed thinking maybe seeing Teresa had triggered it, but not crossing paths with Teresa had given her time to realize her feelings of discontent had surfaced long before Teresa arrived in King's Fall.

Teresa was just an accelerant to an already smoldering fire. The fact was after 7 years of marriage, Merci and her husband had just drifted apart. They weren't the same people they were when they fell in love and they weren't supposed to be. But Merci felt stuck and suffocated some days and other days she felt...almost nothing. She'd left behind the wildness of her 20s when she said I do, but lately, she'd been wondering if it was her wildness that she left behind or, was it a piece of herself? Especially when every day seemed to consist of her going through the motions of suburban wife life. She wasn't unhappy, but she wasn't happy either and sometimes it made her feel resentful.

The last few years the fighting became her and David had become more frequent, she reflected back on her 20s. Normally she'd run, and be in a new relationship by the end of the month. Before the last was even cold in its grave, Merci treated her past relationships as out of sight out of mind. But this wasn't just a relationship, this was her family, she'd said vows in church in front of everyone she loved. She didn't resent them, she just carried this feeling of a life half lived, of things left unresolved in a way that crept into her mind without warning. She knew that everyone had that "one", be it a lover, friend, or opportunity that was left behind and became the big "what if" of life. 

Merci had convinced herself that Teresa was not her "what if". David, however, was beginning to think otherwise. Merci knew better than to bring Teresa up in conversation, even casually, with David. Some discussions are not worth having Merci thought to herself, a rule she had lived by. Not that there was anything to hide, that's not why she deleted the e-mails between them or worked herself into a panic attack over the possibility that Teresa would respond and David would somehow stumble across it. Merci just didn't want to leave the door open and David wasn't insecure, he just didn't want their life to be affected by her past.  

Merci understood, no one wanted to feel like they could lose their person to the past, and there was no chance of that happening, still, David's attempts to keep temptation at bay were...a lot. Asking her to delete old photos, change numbers, and delete her social media profiles would seem extreme to some people but Merci just viewed it as her meeting David halfway. She had after all told him all about her past and how bad things had gotten between her and Teresa. She knew she had embellished some of it, who wants to be the bad guy to their new partner? So she agreed and left social media. 

Merci understood marriage was a compromise, she just seemed to be doing most of it. There were days when it felt like all David wanted was this picture-perfect housewife who never aspired to anything more than keeping a household, raising their child, and providing him with the occasional night of sex. Merci winced remembering the fights that erupted between them when she decided she wanted to go back to school, David refusing to hear her out, stating their daughter needed her and how stressed he would be if he had to worry about work and be on call for their daughter if something happened until she told him it would be an online school. His whole argument seemed to lose steam after that. 

If they were dating it would have been a huge red flag, but they were married and they were a family now, Merci reasoned with herself. Family was everything, it was the only thing.

Merci's eyes drifted across the playground landing on Teresa, while her thoughts drifted back to her younger days. She was one of those girls who would go all googly-eyed over whatever guy she was dating, scribbling their names together as she doodled absentmindedly. Daydreaming about what their kids would look like, and what they would name them. All the stupid shit young women daydream about when their energy and futures are endless. The only person she had never done that with had been Teresa. 

Merci never felt differently about Teresa than she had anyone else she dated. She knew she had something of an attraction to women, Angelina Jolie did exist, but beyond a little fantasy here or there she never really entertained it. Then she came across Teresa and the line between fantasy and reality blurred. 

"Mom! Hello! What are you staring at?" Isabelle barked at Merci, stepping into her line of sight and snapping her back to the present.

"Hmm I'm sorry baby, what did you say?" Merci replied, battling the flush she felt creeping towards her face, when it dawned on her that she had been staring at Teresa.

"I'm ready to go" Isabelle said twirling her index finger around signaling it was time to wrap it up here at the park, Merci suppressed her laughter. She was in a constant split state of annoyance and amusement at how much her daughter acted just like her. Grabbing her purse she cast one more look at Teresa, who was scribbling away lost in her thoughts, before she walked out of the park. Merci could feel a knot forming in the pit of her stomach. She knew Teresa had more to say, she always did, and that night at the coffee shop she was definitely holding back. Merci knew Teresa could be explosive when she held things in for too long and the last thing Merci wanted was more drama and tension. She hated feeling on edge, she knew eventually Teresa would crack and they'd have a nasty exchange, it was their cycle.  

                                Teresa

Teresa's eyes flicked over toward Merci, anticipating another forced conversation. When Merci made no move to approach Teresa released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. Teresa let her eyes drift back to Dominic, out of breath and running around like a madman. There was something so magical about watching kids play. There was this innocent freedom, where they operated with no worries about others judging them or putting on a show for whoever was watching. They were just wholly themselves, dorky, awkward, brave, and hilarious. 

Teresa reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a small notebook, she had dozens of them, and there was always one within reach in case she had an idea or dialogue she wanted to jot down. She began making notes about the innocent freedom of childhood, occasionally glancing up to keep an eye on Dominic.  

"Tia Tee!" Dominic yelled from the other side of the playground.

Before she looked up she could hear the other little boys attempt to tease Dominic.

 "What's a "TeeAh" you weirdo?" The little blonde heavy-set boy yelled 

"It means aunt you uneducated pri.." Dominic started before Teresa cut him off with a loud "Dom! Let's go!"

Dominic runs past the blond boy and his little crew saying "asshats" as he brushes past them headed to Teresa. Teresa watches the group and she locks eyes with the little boy just as he starts to raise a fist to strike Dominic from behind.

"Put the hand down Blondie!" Teresa barks sternly at the boy, and he drops his hand but not before a smirk creeps across his face. 

Dominic shoots past Teresa headed for the car, Teresa turns and starts to follow. As they get situated in the car Teresa looks over at Dominic.

"That kid is gonna be a problem." 

"Who Brenden Goldfarb?" Dominic asks "he's a loser that's always trying to bully people smaller than him."

"Newsflash my guy," Teresa says laughing "You are smaller than him, by a good 10 lbs."

"Yeah but I'm like way faster," Dominic says pretending to dodge imaginary foes, dashing from side to side while strapped in with a seatbelt. 

"You're also a verbal menace" Teresa advises him through the rearview mirror. Teresa watched his little ink-black eyebrows knit themselves together as he tried to interpret what she'd just said. He used to make the same face right before he filled a pamper she thought with a laugh.

"What does that mean?" Dom asks, genuinely curious.

"It means your mouth and the things that come out of it are going to get you in trouble."

She watches his little face scrunch up as he tries to look at his mouth, laughs and drapes a hand over the top of his head rubbing her thumb across his little temple something she's done since he was a baby. 

They reach Teresa's car and Dominic climbs into his seat in the back and buckles himself. Teresa walks around to the driver's side, as she gets in she takes one last look around the parking lot, scanning for Merci before realizing what it is she's doing. Catching herself  Teresa takes a deep breath and exhales trying to clear her mind. As she exhales she tries forcing out all the thoughts tumbling around her mind. Then she settles into the driver's seat and starts the car with a deep sigh. Teresa wonders if there is still tension between them. Sure she's had a lot to say over the last decade but there has never been anyone to say it to. That conversation in the coffee shop was more about giving Merci the opportunity and space to get things off her chest or clear her mind. Teresa arrived in King's Fall just hoping to start fresh and be free of her past, but here she was wading through tension built upon things that no longer mattered. Merci seemed to be holding back and, at least it seemed to Teresa, to be dropping hints at unhappiness during the conversation. Left feeling awkward and annoyed, Teresa just hoped that Merci would forget her and not try to force any more conversations. Nothing of consequence was ever said and this last go-round had Teresa more annoyed over the wasted hour of her time. Years of silence were interrupted by Merci's need to center everything on herself because of course, Teresa was here for her, to disrupt her life and her happiness.

Not a single "Hey how are things", or "sorry to hear", nope just straight into whatever was on her mind at the time. Teresa knew better than to be surprised, or infuriated, it was pointless. It was the same as it had always been. 

THE DANCE