never too far

Needed to get away for a bit. Too much noise, and it seems like I can't have enough peace to actually collect my thoughts. I didn't want to spend any money, nor do I need to purchase anything, so I opted for the park. 

 I spotted a neighbor wearing an "old timers" t shirt and thought of my father. His stories about stickball and all his "friends" that he would drop by and see during their tournaments. If they plied him with enough beer they could get him to play. But mostly I think he was just clinging to memories he couldn't let go of. 

We're more alike than I admit, and I wonder if it's genetics or just me turning into a monster.

I always have a hard time seeing this man other people remember. Then it dawns on me that monsters often hide who they are. They seem to always be these incredible people to everyone they don't torment. 

I wonder if that's me. Do I only give the best parts of me to friends, or is it all a facade? Then my mind creates its own version of the fingerpointing spiderman meme.

Still it's a thought that haunts me. 

Am I him? Is that what I am becoming? 

Do I view the world the same? 

Some days I feel so fucking lost.