I can't really pinpoint what it was. A dark living room, some music and my thoughts running. I found myself repeating a pattern I wasn't even aware of.
One that had been buried deep. I ignored the signs when my body registered it. The nervous energy that bubbled up. The way I fumbled over my words. The way my mind just started to imagine what could be.
I registered the energy as fear, I just mistakenly thought it was fear of not being ready. Stupid me.
I should have known from the approach. The universe never let's you go without one final test. This time I listened.
Still I wonder, how many times will I have to be tested until I'm allowed to move forward? How many times do I have to find myself in similar situations around similar people?
For years, after withdrawing into myself to heal and hopefully change, my friends have urged me to be open. To put myself out there.
After upheaval and a career change, I decided to be more open. To the signs, to the actions and to the words. But still, something inside me was resistant.
I couldn't tell if the parts of me that remained resistant were originating from a place of self preservation or out of habit but they kept me from registering things. Maybe they were supposed to.
A chance meeting, a day on which maybe great moods were registered incorrectly, interpretations were made. Things were seen that I noted but remained non-reactive to. Maybe it should have stayed that way.
As open as I am I only seem to meet my mistakes again and again, and again.
The more I try to crawl forward, the harder the universe seems to drag me backwards.
At this point the only way to be free seems to remain isolated.
Or live a lie and settle for security and stability in an "arrangement".
Maybe the point is the erosion of my heart, my depth of feeling, my dreams.
Just once I'd like to be as oblivious as I pretend to be.
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