Blonde Curls

It's the curls that got me. 

It's always the curls. This time they're blonde. The first time we met she zeroed in on me. I was standing there just making idle chit-chat when my friend referred to me as "cute and adorable" (I'm well aware these are generous descriptors, trust me). Then Blonde Curls turned towards me and said "No, she's beautiful" and followed it with a shoulder squeeze. I didn't react at all, having dealt with so many overly friendly women who like to skirt that little same-sex attraction boundary.

But on the way back as we got to the platform my friend stopped and asked 'was it me or was she flirting with you?"

I confirmed I thought so but didn't react because of work. In reality, I didn't react because I'm never sure of people. I think I might be at the point in my life where I am no longer capable of taking chances on people romantically. 

My first time was my last time. At least it seems that way. In any event after all of that heartbreak and the resulting aftermath, I don't think I have it in me to open myself up or even believe that anyone would want to get to know me.

So with that in mind and in combination with my regular lack of sleep, I have demonstrated I have no clue how to navigate any kind of conversation with Blonde Curls. They teeter on the edge of embarrassment. I no longer have any clue how to flirt and I definitely can't read people. Also, how do you keep that kind of conversation going at work? You can't. 

So naturally my overthinking ass analyzes every single detail of our interactions. 

-The way she smiles when she sees me.

-The way she ends whatever call she's on to handle whatever I'm there for. 

-The way she apparently knows my voice from behind

-The way she tells me she's not ignoring my e-mails.

-The way she grabs my arm/shoulder and lightly squeezes.

-the way she stands close to me and leans in to joke with me. 

It's so easy for me to see all this as flirting back but I know better. Some people are just really friendly, when I encounter people like that they feel safe around me and like to chat me up. So I know better than to take anything at face value. 

I can't deny that I find her attractive though. My constant fear of making someone uncomfortable, especially in a work environment prevents me from making a complete ass out of myself and actually pressing this situation. 

So I'll just hold on to my little crush and the "flirty" exchanges, the e-mails with emojis, and the small talk about the weather.

At least until she eventually mentions a boyfriend or husband like they all do.