Some days I reach down for the anger that used to drive me, that used to make me so passionate but I come up empty handed. There is nothing there anymore but a very bland, very neutral, very lukewarm core.
I spent years living in fear, literally on edge that everyday would be the day of the final physical confrontation. While growing from a child to a woman in my early 20s. While trying to navigate the disastrous romance of a first love. Everything felt like it would be my last so everything tasted richer and sweeter.
Then the big scary shadow in the corner of my life was gone. No big dramatic exit, just worn down by time and slowly faded out. As much as I hate to admit it I think it took pieces of me on its way out.
The dark angry pieces.
Now I'm not much of anything beyond tired. There are days where my brain feels erratic. I have issues sitting still because to sit still means to hear my thoughts and today was one of those days.
Losing people, even people who openly hated you, is a layered and complex thing. But days like today I just don't want to deal with it.
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