The Tik Tok of it All

 I watched this Tik Tok today the creator called Brown. It was part 8 of her series on limerance. During this video, she speaks of getting asked by someone how to let go of someone that they are fixated on who has hurt them in the past. Brown links this back to childhood issues wherein as a child you felt unloved, abandoned, and neglected. She goes on to state that we often then project this onto our partners. We do so because as children even though this paternal figure treated us horribly we still needed them to survive in some way so we try to create attachment in any way possible. 

I realized some time ago, that I held on so long, in my specific situation, because it was familiar. Dealing with someone who would flip their care for me on and off like a switch. My entire childhood was a minefield of other people's emotions. A household so toxic that even when my father openly stole money from me my mother was conditioned to gaslight me by saying I shouldn't have left it out in view, in my room behind a closed door. 

In Brown's video, she goes on, to say that we need to speak to the inner child in us and tell them it's okay to be angry that someone did this to us and we can detach. Which is hard to do if you no longer feel your inner child.

Brown finishes by noting that oftentimes, the person we feel this way about is terrible. We often ignore the red flags glossing over the fact that the person in question has very little to offer us or they are just straight-up avoidant. 

 I write about this not to indicate that anyone is bad or malicious but instead with the understanding that if I had access to the tools that are now readily available I could have saved myself some heartache. People are all unique and someone avoidant with you today may find someone they want to be present with at all times tomorrow. It has little to do with you. However, because we lacked this language, these tools, and understanding a lot of us wound up wasting time and in a lot of pain. 

We can't turn back the clock but we can change our behavior going forward. I hope that's all it takes to find a happy ending for myself and others. 

If you're interested here's the link to her video:

Part 8- Limerance/Realtionship Obsession