Stream of thought

Would I even want to talk to anyone?

Is there anything to say?

I held so much inside for so long. I'm convinced it solidified and fell out my ass at some point.

The way I detach sometimes terrifies me. 

At the same time I used to believe that songs randomly shuffled were signs and not the result of finely tuned mathematical equations in the form of algorithms.

Everything means nothing.

Nothing means everything.

I grew up exposed to media that sold me "first love" stories, while watching the older kids snort coke and sell crack. 

So I clung to this romanticized version of relationships. I was 4 or 5 and watching Moonlighting, my mind just banking the images and feelings conveyed for future reference. Television was my comfort, my friend, my teacher. 

Not really a mystery why I did not handle rejection well. In my world things just didnt fall apart, people just didnt wake up one day and decided they didnt want you. 

In my world your first love was forever. Sure you had bad times, (who doesnt?) but you worked it out and built a future together and it all worked out.

I was not prepared for the reality of loving someone and being the last thing they thought about. I was not ready to go from being wanted to being seen as repulsive by someone I fell for.

Reality is cruel. 

Nothing prepares you for the way you lose pieces of yourself loving and yearning for someone that would rather die than touch you again.