again.

There are days when I believe in signs from the universe. Then there are days where I'm not sure and things just seem to be a random assembling of coincidence. 

I can't really pinpoint what it was. A dark living room, some music and my thoughts running. I found myself repeating a pattern I wasn't even aware of. 

One that had been buried deep. I ignored the signs when my body registered it. The nervous energy that bubbled up. The way I fumbled over my words. The way my mind just started to imagine what could be.

I registered the energy as fear, I just mistakenly thought it was fear of not being ready. Stupid me. 

I should have known from the approach. The universe never let's you go without one final test. This time I listened. 

Still I wonder, how many times will I have to be tested until I'm allowed to move forward? How many times do I have to find myself in similar situations around similar people? 

For years, after withdrawing into myself to heal and hopefully change, my friends have urged me to be open. To put myself out there. 

After upheaval and a career change, I decided to be more open. To the signs, to the actions and to the words. But still, something inside me was resistant. 

I couldn't tell if the parts of me that remained resistant were originating from a place of self preservation or out of habit but they kept me from registering things. Maybe they were supposed to.

A chance meeting, a day on which maybe great moods were registered incorrectly, interpretations were made. Things were seen that I noted but remained non-reactive to. Maybe it should have stayed that way.

As open as I am I only seem to meet my mistakes again and again, and again. 

The more I try to crawl forward, the harder the universe seems to drag me backwards. 

At this point the only way to be free seems to remain isolated. 

Or live a lie and settle for security and stability in an "arrangement".

Maybe the point is the erosion of my heart, my depth of feeling, my dreams. 

Just once I'd like to be as oblivious as I pretend to be.

Blonde Curls

It's the curls that got me. 

It's always the curls. This time they're blonde. The first time we met she zeroed in on me. I was standing there just making idle chit-chat when my friend referred to me as "cute and adorable" (I'm well aware these are generous descriptors, trust me). Then Blonde Curls turned towards me and said "No, she's beautiful" and followed it with a shoulder squeeze. I didn't react at all, having dealt with so many overly friendly women who like to skirt that little same-sex attraction boundary.

But on the way back as we got to the platform my friend stopped and asked 'was it me or was she flirting with you?"

I confirmed I thought so but didn't react because of work. In reality, I didn't react because I'm never sure of people. I think I might be at the point in my life where I am no longer capable of taking chances on people romantically. 

My first time was my last time. At least it seems that way. In any event after all of that heartbreak and the resulting aftermath, I don't think I have it in me to open myself up or even believe that anyone would want to get to know me.

So with that in mind and in combination with my regular lack of sleep, I have demonstrated I have no clue how to navigate any kind of conversation with Blonde Curls. They teeter on the edge of embarrassment. I no longer have any clue how to flirt and I definitely can't read people. Also, how do you keep that kind of conversation going at work? You can't. 

So naturally my overthinking ass analyzes every single detail of our interactions. 

-The way she smiles when she sees me.

-The way she ends whatever call she's on to handle whatever I'm there for. 

-The way she apparently knows my voice from behind

-The way she tells me she's not ignoring my e-mails.

-The way she grabs my arm/shoulder and lightly squeezes.

-the way she stands close to me and leans in to joke with me. 

It's so easy for me to see all this as flirting back but I know better. Some people are just really friendly, when I encounter people like that they feel safe around me and like to chat me up. So I know better than to take anything at face value. 

I can't deny that I find her attractive though. My constant fear of making someone uncomfortable, especially in a work environment prevents me from making a complete ass out of myself and actually pressing this situation. 

So I'll just hold on to my little crush and the "flirty" exchanges, the e-mails with emojis, and the small talk about the weather.

At least until she eventually mentions a boyfriend or husband like they all do.